In our last lesson we looked at healing anger. We noted that quick anger is foolish, causes problems, shows a lack of restraint, and is contagious. The key of the lesson was to see that our anger is not accomplishing what we think it will accomplish. Rather, than helping us, our anger is destructive to ourselves and to others. We make foolish decisions in our anger, even saying and doing things that are sinful. But the Proverbs do not only tell us all the problems that come from venting our anger. The Proverbs also teach us the power of patience.
Patience Diffuses (Proverbs 15:1,18)
The Proverbs tell us that how we answer dictates what happens next.
A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath. (Proverbs 15:1 CSB)
A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but one slow to anger calms strife. (Proverbs 15:18 CSB)
Now I want to remind us of the negative result of our anger. Our anger stirs up more anger. Our anger stirs up more conflict. But we look at that point last week and I would direct your attention back to last week’s lesson, Healing Anger, for more about that subject. But I want us to see the power of patience. What we say has the power to diffuse the situation. Being slow to anger means being able to calm down the intensity and fire of the situation. Think about how important it is to be a person who can diffuse situations rather than throwing gasoline on the fire. Further, think about how important it is that when someone is angry at us that we are able to give a gentle answer to turn that anger away, rather than stirring up further wrath. It is our natural tendency to respond to anger with anger. We are tempted to give a harsh word back to the harsh word received. The gentle answer turns anger away and being slow to anger calms strife. The New Testament gives us many commands along these lines so that our words would represent Christ.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29 ESV)
Think about all the filters that God says we are to put on our mouths. First, no corrupt or unwholesome talk is to come from our mouths. Second, the words that we must speak are only words that are good for building up. The words are to strengthen the other person, not tear the other person down. Third, our words are to fit the occasion. There is such a thing as saying the right words at the wrong time. Consider the time is just as important as considering the words. The words we say must fit the need of the moment. Finally, our words are to give grace to those who hear. The hearer will receive our words like a gift rather than like a curse. The apostle Paul said something similar to the Colossian Christians.
Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. (Colossians 4:6 ESV)
Our words are to be full of grace, not full of anger or poison. Our words are to be seasoned with salt. The image is that we would prepare our words properly before the other person ingests what we say. Notice also that there is a picture of saying the right words at the right moment. “So that you know how you ought to answer each person.” Having the right words and the right timing is everything in terms of whether we will stir up wrath with our response or turn away wrath. In 2 Timothy 2:24-25 the apostle Paul emphasizes the way we talk to people, even to those who would be consider our opponents.
And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. (2 Timothy 2:24-25 ESV)
Notice that we are not to be provokers or quarrelsome people. Instead, we are to be kind and gentle to everyone. Please consider that our gentle words are not only to the people we like, but to everyone. Further, even when we are correcting our opponents we are told to do this with gentleness and humility. We are to be able to use our words to diffuse situations. We are to use our words to bring grace to the situation. Our words are to be full of gentleness, no matter what is happening, so that the hearer is hearing word of grace.
Patience Overlooks (Proverbs 19:11)
We noted in last week’s lesson that quick anger shows foolishness. The contrast is also true. Patience reveals wisdom and insight.
Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. (Proverbs 19:11 ESV)
Having wisdom, insight, and discretion give patience. It is to your glory to overlook an offense. It is a virtue to overlook the transgression. Are we able to just overlook the slight that we see against us? Do we have the wisdom to just overlook what is happening rather than having to give a harsh word to stir up strife? We do not have to be fault finders. We do not have to poke at all the things other people say and do. Patience has the power of overlook problems and offenses.
Do not take to heart all the things that people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. Your heart knows that many times you yourself have cursed others. (Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 ESV)
One of the ways we are able to overlook what people say and do is by remembering that you have done the same thing. You have said things you should not have said. You have done things you should not have done. You also have been absent-minded or forgetful. You also failed to do something you should have done. You also said the wrong words at the right time or the right words at the wrong time. Be willing to overlook the failures of others.
Now it is important to make a point here. If you someone does something that is of such an offense that it cannot be overlooked, then Jesus tells us what to do.
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. (Matthew 18:15 ESV)
Jesus does not instruct us to unleash our wrath and vent our spirit if someone sins against us. Jesus does not say that if someone does something wrong, you make sure to tell everyone else about it. Jesus does not tell us to hold a grudge and be sure to hold it over their heads until the day they die if they sin against you. The instruction is to go to the person and resolve the issue. If this is something that cannot be just overlooked, then have a conversation with that person about it. Keep in mind everything that we just learned. Have the conversation in a way that obeys Ephesians 4:29 and Colossians 4:6. Let your speech be full of grace and seasoned with salt. Let your words be good for building up, fitting the occasion, and giving grace to the hearer. Our patience shows the godly wisdom and insight we possess. Our lack of patience reveals our foolishness and lack of godliness.
Patience Is Power (Proverbs 16:32)
Finally, we need to see the power in being patient. Listen to Proverbs 16:32.
Patience is better than power, and controlling one’s emotions, than capturing a city. (Proverbs 16:32 CSB)
Being slow to anger and exerting patience is greater than being a mighty warrior. The strength displayed by controlling your spirit is better than the strength required to conquer a city. So often we can think that strength is displayed with our anger. But God says there is no strength in venting your spirit. Rather, strength is displayed by ruling over your spirit. Power is displayed in the control you possess over yourself, over your emotions, over your words, and over your actions. Think about how strong you have to be to conquer a city. Now God tells us you are stronger than that and it is even better to have the strength to control your spirit. Our self-control is readily seen in the way we handle various life situations. There is a reason that shepherds of the local church are given a number of different descriptions of patience as a qualification. Paul told Timothy that a shepherd must be self-controlled, gentle, and not quarrelsome (cf. 1 Timothy 3:2-3). Paul told Titus that a shepherd must not be hot-tempered, not a bully, but self-controlled and disciplined (cf. Titus 1:7-8). Patience is a critical component and reveals wisdom and maturity. Now listen to the contrast that the Proverbs offers.
Like a city that is broken into and without walls so is a person who has no self-control over his spirit. (Proverbs 25:28 NASB)
As patience shows great strength, a lack of self-control shows great weakness. An ancient city whose walls are broken down means that the city is vulnerable. There are no defenses and open to attack. So lacking self-control means we are left vulnerable and open to Satan’s attack. This is the very idea that Paul is emphasizing in Ephesians 4:26-27.
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. (Ephesians 4:26-27 ESV)
Our anger is giving an opportunity to the devil to tempt us to sin. Patience is a critical strength we need to resist the devil because we are able to control our emotions and our spirit.
Developing Patience
So what have we learned and how can we develop patience? First, we need to see that patience is not optional. We cannot fool ourselves that patience is not something required for God’s people. So we must not excuse our impatience. Our impatience is a sin. We must stop excusing our failure to control our spirits. Second, slow down and listen. James tells us to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19). Listen before responding. Listen to words. Do not be defensive. But listen to what the person is saying to you. Third, love is patient (cf. 1 Corinthians 13:4). So this gives a strong self-examination. If I am unable to be patient, then I do not love that person. I love myself more than I love the person I am talking to or acting against. When we are impatient, then what needs to ring within us is that we are seeing a lack of love in our spirit for that person. This should be very condemning because it means we are not loving our children, our spouse, our family, our friends, our neighbors, or our brothers and sisters in Christ when we do not have patience for each other. Finally, the way to develop patience is to understand that patience is part of the fruit of the Spirit.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23 ESV)
Listen to how every aspect of the fruit of the Spirit stands against quick-temper, impatience, and anger. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Therefore, if we are going to develop patience, the answer is not simply trying to be more patient (though this is helpful to be aware of our failures and the paper way to respond). But these characteristics are described as fruit. So developing patience means we need to draw closer to God through the word and through prayer. I need more of God in my life if I am going to see the fruit of the Spirit come out of me. We can be patient. We can be kind. We can be gentle. We can have self-control. The transformation will do its work in us as we let God and his word work on us. If we are not learning from his word, if we are not seeing God’s greatness and glory, and if we are not drawing near to God in prayer, then the fruit of the Spirit is not going to develop from within and come out from us.