When Jesus delivered his sermon while on the mountain, one of the things he proclaimed was that those who are blessed are those who are peacemakers (cf. Matthew 5:9). Part of the fruit of the Spirit is peace (cf. Galatians 5:22). The apostle Paul declared that we are to pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding (cf. Romans 14:19). Earlier, the apostle Paul proclaimed that as much as depends on us, we are to live peaceably with all (cf. Romans 12:18). Jesus also said to have salt in yourselves and be at peace with one another (cf. Mark 9:50). James tells us to make peace and so does the writer of Hebrews.
And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. (James 3:18 ESV)
Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. (Hebrews 12:14 ESV)
What I am wanting us to consider is that there are many scriptures that place upon us the responsibility of making peace with people. We are to be peacemakers, pursue what makes for peace, and live peaceably with all people. But how do we do this? How can we be peacemakers when relationships get complicated? How can we live peaceably with all when there are sinful situations that are affecting these relationships? To complicate relationships all the more, we have been studying in the last two lessons the problem of anger and the need for patience. In our first lesson we noticed that the Proverbs repeated teach us that anger stirs up more anger. A quick-temper just stirs up strife and conflict. These results are the opposite of what the scriptures are teaching us to do. We are to be peacemakers and strive for peace, not strife and conflict. The Proverbs can help us obey these commands to be peacemakers and restore relationships by teaching us about how to handle complicated relationships. Open your copies of God’s word to the Proverbs and we are going to consider some wise teachings that will direct us toward how to repair relationships.
Understand The Difficulty
Our first proverb that we will consider describes the problem of trying to make peace in a relationship.
A brother offended is harder to win over than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a citadel. (Proverbs 18:19 LSB)
The word translated “brother” has a very broad meaning in Hebrew and can refer to any kind of association. It can refer to relatives. It can refer to friends. It can refer to people in the same social circle. So whatever the relationship is, this proverb is addressing what is happening when there is an offense. A person who is offended is harder to win over than a strong city. The disputes and contentions are like the bars of a strong fortress. The proverb is trying to teach us the great difficulty we face when trying to win back someone who we have offended. We are being told that trying to reach the person in which we are in contention is like trying to go through the bars of a castle.
We are being told that restoration is difficult. Reconciliation is not a simple or easy process. The longer the contention has gone on in time, the harder it is going to be to reconcile as those iron bars have been set into place. Now why is knowing this so important? One of the reasons this is critical to know is because when we offend someone we think that resolution should be quick and easy. Perhaps we say that we are sorry but fail to understand that there is a strong barrier that has been built between the two. We must not be flippant about our offense. We need to understand that the damage we inflict is quick but the restoration is not. I want to make a point here that I am not saying that it is okay for another person to be unforgiving or to have a grudge or to have these bars like a fortress. What the proverb is saying is that this is the reality. The reality is that offense has created a situation more unyielding than a fortified city. Restoration is difficult and it is not our place to tell someone to just get over it. Reconciliation takes work. Restoration takes time. We need to sincerely say those two words that can sometimes be so hard to say, “I’m sorry.” We need to do all that we can right the wrong and correct what we have done. True repentance tries to fix and make the other person whole. When Zacchaeus the tax collector was convicted by Jesus and repentant, he proclaimed that he would restore four times the amount anyone he might have defrauded (cf. Luke 19:8). It is our desire to melt those bars of the city that have been built because of our offense.
Seek God to Seek Peace
Another proverb tells us that God must be in the peace-making process.
When a person’s ways please the LORD, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him. (Proverbs 16:7 CSB)
This is very important proverbs to think about and apply to our lives. Reconciliation becomes possible to more we give our lives to the Lord and seek to please the Lord. The transforming work of the Lord on our hearts will change how we function in our relationships with each other. As we are working to be peacemakers and working for reconciliation, we must be working to please the Lord. To refer to some of the proverbs we have considered in our series, we need to seek the Lord so that we can have the wisdom to say the right words at the right time (cf. Proverbs 15:1-4; Ephesians 4:29; Colossians 4:6). The more we seek the Lord, the more we will become aware of the relationships we need to restore. The more we seek the Lord, the more desirous we will be to reconcile because God has reconciled us to himself. Listen to how Jesus made this point:
So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24 ESV)
Jesus is teaching us that reconciliation is an important work. This is such an important work that we are told to immediately take care of any situation, even if you are on the way to worship the Lord. Do not wait around to try to resolve conflict. Do not let time pass when relationships fracture. To make the point another way, we are not in good standing with God if we are not attempting to reconcile broken relationships.
The Need For Love
But it is important that we talk about the other side of the relationship. The Proverbs teach us that we have a great challenge to win back a person we have offended. We are taught that it is going to be a difficult work when we have offended another. But this is a work that must be done. We cannot give up our efforts to make for peace. What if we are the offended one? What if it you are the one who has been wronged. The Proverbs also tells us about the other side of the relationship. The Proverbs tell us that love is very important in this process of being peacemakers.
Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses. (Proverbs 10:12 ESV)
Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends. (Proverbs 17:9 ESV)
Both of these proverbs speak to the willingness to forgive. In the first proverb you will notice a sharp contrast. Notice that the contrast is not that hatred stirs strife but love does not stir strife. Rather, hatred stirs up the strife, but love forgives. Hatred keeps the problem going. Hatred keeps stirring the pot of conflict. Love does not. Please also notice in the second proverb that love does not tell everyone about the offense. But let these words hit us. If we are unwilling to forgive, then we do not love that person. Holding a grudge and hanging on to an offense means that we do not love that person. Digging up past offenses means we do not love. Last week we read the simple words of Paul that love is patient. Now I want us to hear what else he said about love. Love does not keep a record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5). Love does not count the harm committed. Love does not try to win. Love does not need to be right in the relationship. Love does not seek retaliation but restoration. Friends, love does not want the relationship fractured. Love does not want to avoid the other person. Love does not want the conflict to continue.
The Responsibility For Reconciliation
This is also what Jesus taught us in Matthew 18:15.
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. (Matthew 18:15 ESV)
Now I want us to think about how Jesus taught about restoring relationships. If you realize that you have offended another, you need to go to them (Matthew 5:24). If someone has sinned against you, you need to go to that person (Matthew 18:15). Do you see what is supposed to be happening? Both people are to be running to each other seeking peace and reconciliation. This is what it should look like in our marriages. Both people are running to each other to seek peace and be reconciled. This is also what it should look like in our families, with our parents and children. This is what is should look like in the church.
When this does not happen, then whatever side of the offense we are on, we are trying to create peace. If we are the one who has offended, then we are going to go that person, seeking forgiveness and showing the fruit of repentance because we understand that an offended person is like trying to win over a fortified city. If we are the one who has been offended, then we are going to go to that person, seeking correction and restoration of the relationship because we do not want the relationship to be fractured and we care for the soul of that person that we do not want their sin to keep them from being in relationship with God.
Applications
So what do we need to do right now to move ourselves in this direction? First, we need to build the desire for restoration. If we love the person, then we will want to reconcile. If we love God, then we will want to restore relationships with others. We need to ask ourselves if we even have the desire to create peace. If not, then we are lacking love and we must draw closer to God to stir up a love for God that will lead us to love others and to repair these relationships. Second, we need humility. We need the humility to say sorry. We need the humility to say that we were wrong. We need the humility to try to right wrongs. We need the humility to even be defrauded to restore the relationship if that is what it takes (cf. 1 Corinthians 6:7-8). Jesus was wronged and defrauded of his rights to reconcile us to him. We can do the same to be reconciled to others. Finally, love forgives. Love does not hold on the wrongs. Love wants to fix broken relationships. Love does not keep stirring up the problems and remembering the past. Love covers over sins and moves forward just as Jesus has done for us.
So here is my challenge to you. Who do you need to forgive? Who do you need to pursue peace with in your relationships? Where do you need to repair a broken relationship? Seek God’s help and wisdom to repair and restore. Jesus came to repair and restore your relationship with his Father. Now you must do the same with those in your life (cf. Matthew 18:21-35).